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23 Mar
2017
It Takes One To Know One.
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A Letter to the One Who Left Me.

Dear Roy,

I haven't written to you in a long time. Not from the lack of thinking about you, I think about you from time to time. You are this sneaky bastard, sneaking out from somewhere when I least expect you to. I can't stop thinking how you are, whether you made through GATE or whether you are happy. I don't entertain these thoughts for long, but I do think of it all now and then.

Sometimes I am so mad at you. Mad that we never happened that you did not find me attractive and you wanted to break up with me but mostly mad that you left.

I want to remember you as a monster. It will take most of the blame away from me. From my own monsters working against me.

But the good part of me, the part I think you saw, the part I shared with you, never allows me to do that. I can't. I can't just think of you as a monster. Because I understand you. And I understand me a lot better now. I know the time was wrong. I know that I was not ready, I know that you were not ready.

You know like a place close by the wilderness, with the sky as my friend, this laptop of mine, a small kitchen and time, loads and loads of time to kill by reading more and more about the universe.

You know, I have this new dream now. I want to save some money and get myself a small farmhouse in Italy, with a small garden attached, a garden where I will sow seeds and watch those plants grow. You know like a place close by the wilderness, with the sky as my friend, this laptop of mine, a small kitchen and time, loads and loads of time to kill by reading more and more about the universe.

I am crazy, Roy. I am crazy about the world and its people. I just feel like I don't belong among them - among their narrow-mindedness and shallowness.

It's like I have seen a part of this world and beyond like no one else has. And I am not the same person anymore.

And what else. I am crazy, crazy about the Fault in Our Stars. That book changed me like somehow opened my eyes.

I don't feel like writing anymore, so I will add on a few points and end this letter. So you know I was making tomato sauce that day, I am obsessed with perfecting my tomato sauce. I don't understand my obsession! But then that day I was making the sauce and it hit me how much you love eating the tomatoes. And about that tomato garden of ours. How beautiful those memories are!

Anyway. I don't dwell much in the past these days, lesson learned I would like to say.

I think you are there in my subconscious from where you creep out when I am the most vulnerable. You come again and again in my dreams. I can't tell you the magnitude of peace I feel having you there beside me.

The days when you decide to visit my subconscious are the worst. You see, the dreams are so beautiful and complete that I believe them to be real. Then I wake up and the loneliness hits me. Later I carry with me a heavy heart and pretend that I am okay.

I don't understand my feelings, Roy. What I feel, what I want, it's all a big mess. I know one day I will have the answers. And I know I am on my way there, slow and steady.

I can't write anymore. It feels like I have millions to tell you, like a whole universe of things I've learned and understood in the months gone by to tell you. But I can't.

Take care, Roy. I want you to know that you will always have me as your friend. Forever.

Bye.

Yours Sincerely,

The Girl Who Loved You.

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