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21 Jul
2017
It Takes One To Know One.
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An Open Letter To Chester Bennington – I Am Sorry If I Did This To You.

12 31 AM – My sister calls me. Panting and stressed.

I was asleep. I woke up, afraid that something had happened.

Hon, Chester Bennington killed himself! 

I brushed it off.

1) I was half asleep.

2) Just the other week, a fake Facebook Page was doing the rounds on social media claiming that Chester Bennington was dead.

7 30 AM - So I wake up groggy and checked my feed in the morning.

It was true.

He really was dead.

The man whose voice was with me after my first heartbreak – Was no more.

The man who I could connect to when my parents were goading me to take up science in 11th – Was no more.

The man who taught me that it was okay to have a thousand thoughts crawling around in your head – Was no more.

The man who taught me that it was okay to feel numb – Was no more.

The man who taught me that in the end some things don’t even matter – Was no more.

I am shaking and heartbroken as I write this.

I feel like I and so many others did this.

Still reeling from shock and disbelief, I checked out their recent album.

I stumbled across –

1) One More Light.

2) Talking To Myself.

Listen to the lyrics one more time.

Really listen.

And tell me you don’t hear what I hear – Someone desperately trying to reach out.

I just can’t get the chorus of One More Light out of my head.

If they say,

 

Who cares if one more light goes out?

 

In the sky of a million stars,

 

It flickers, flickers.

 

Who cares when someone’s time runs out?

 

If a moment is all we are.

 

Or quicker, quicker,

 

Who cares if one more light goes out?

Please, tell me, you don’t see what I see?

Then I run back and check my old playlist and play all the Linking Park music I had from my school days.

On repeat.

I listen to In The End, Leave Out All The Rest, Given Up, Numb, Crawling and I just can’t get it out of my head.

He was reaching out!

And we didn’t see it.

I didn’t see it.

Dear Chester,

All my life, you would sing and I would listen.

Allow me this one moment to turn the tables.

Allow me this one moment to talk about how hurt, devastated and so very angry I am.

Why Chester?

I know we’ve never met, but I feel like I’ve known you all my life.

You were there when no one was.

Literally no one.

When I had my first heartbreak – You were there.

When I would act out because my sister was fighting for her life and no one would understand – You were there.

When my parents would fight again and again – You told me it was okay to be numb.

And what did I do?

I wasn't patient when you weren't doing so well. Musically.

I didn't show restraint. 

And here you are today.

You killed yourself.

I understand Chester.

I understand how much depression and substance abuse hurts.

I was there once.

Depression is a dark and empty pit.

One that you just can’t seem to be able to drag yourself out of alone.

You seek solace in intoxication and that drags you further down the pit.

The signs are there and yet no one can see it.

You do these little things, hoping people would notice them, and yet, they just can’t.

Or WON'T.

What pushed you over the edge?

Was it the crowd booing you off stage?

Was it us bashing you on social media?

Was it ME?

The guilt is all over me, you know.

And everyone else I know.

I get the whole fascination with Kurt Cobain's suicide now.

We are one.

You helped make growing up a little more bearable.

You helped us get through so much.

And yet, we failed you.

Collectively.

We didn’t notice. We didn’t see you reach out for help.

You know, the human mind is an irrational being.

When grief strikes, it rushes to find something that makes the tragedy bearable.

And I looked around.

I heard Numb one more time and I heard you scream for help, for the first time ever.

I heard Leave Out All The Rest and I felt like you were writing your own eulogy, for the first time ever.

I heard Talking To Myself and I could hear the pain stemming through your voice.

It’s funny, isn’t it?

We only notice these things when someone kills themselves.

We only talk about depression and grief and substance abuse when someone kills themselves.

We only sit up and give someone the time of day when they goddamn kill themselves.

That’s what we have to do to get people to care today, isn’t it?

Every suicide brings an array of emotions and for a brief splitting second people care.

Or pretend to.

And we all go back to our old merry lives of pretense.

As my disbelief gave way to anger and betrayal which finally transcended to grief – I understood why it hurts so much.

It’s the guilt.

You were there when we needed you.

And we weren’t when you needed us.

We can’t help but feel responsible. Even though we didn’t know you.

We all did this.

And we know it deep in our heart.

That’s why it hurts so much.

Believe me, Chester. It does.

Please do find it in your heart to forgive us.

Please do find it in your heart to forgive ME.

We failed you.

I failed you when you needed me the most.

I hope you're in a better place now, Chester.

Thank You For Everything.

With Love,

Someone Who Has Been Listening To Your Music Since He Was 12.

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About the Author

Total Articles : 12
Aitijya Sarkar

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